feeling a little Job-ish today

as a kid, i attended school at the same Catholic church my family worshiped at each week.  i loved the cocoon of close-knit families i grew up with there, even though i failed to learn much about making new friends (who needs to?) or welcoming those who differ from you. 

spending so much time in what is basically church with a little reading, writing and arithmetic gave me a great deal of time with the big book of God.  and being a Catholic sanctuary of learning meant that a great deal of focus was placed on "offering pain up to God."  now i haven't studied all kinds of Catholics, but that is a strong message passed on to me.  instead of the secular message of "suck it up" i had it turned into a path towards martyrdom. 

the great, high holy saint (sarcastic font used here) of martyrs is by far Job.  (pronounced Jobe for anyone unfamiliar with my spiritual patron saint)  the book of Job is really a good read if you'd like to try it out, but to sum up Job's life: he had it all.  a great family, wealth, power, a strong faith, did all he could to honor God and all that.  bad stuff happened to him.  his family members died.  his wealth disappeared.  he was covered in sores.  people turned away from him.  he still praised God. 

now i've had a few trying times in my life, but never in any great magnitude.  mostly just times i've had a bad case of "feeling bad for myself-itis".  health problems that require moderate treatments.  irritating but not evil family issues.  loss of people i've loved, but had a lifetime of loving memories to carry me along after their passing.

this past month or so feels like a long laundry list of Job-ness. 

the winter here in Minnesota has dragged on so long, i sometimes wonder if i'm not actually trapped in the movie "Groundhog Day" and instead of reliving one day over and over, maybe i'm just reliving a month or two - again and again. 

we've saved up/ paid off bills just in time to realize we need to spend a good chunk on a newly discovered repair on our minivan (if i haven't described my love/hate relationship with this vehicle, i should say i love to drive it fast and hate when it blends into the 10 other gold minivans in a parking lot). 

i've had a minor health issue, that doesn't require surgery but has dragged on since the fall.  it's not something i talk about because it is "indelicate" and is slowly driving me insane.  quite literally. 

and little things that i've planned out have inconveniently been cancelled or rescheduled because of colds, coughs, and all around not funness.  (again and again and again...)

now i've gotta point out that none of the above listed events or issues has caused me to be shunned from society (though rescheduling the daughter's birthday party for illness put a serious damper on the chaos we had anticipated) or otherwise caused me to re-evaluate my life goals.

i try my best to be patient.  outwardly, i think i do a decent job not showing it too blatantly that i want things to go faster or more my way.  as an adult (in most ways), i understand that life is filled with moments when deep breathing and supreme self-control are required.  but this last week is surely a test to my spirit.

my darling daughter is 3 years old.  she has always been, in utero and hence forth, a firecracker.  she acts shy when it garners her added attention, and talks ears off to keep a good situation going - especially with grandparents.  she is very much NOT like me, which causes me some concern as to how i should parent her since i really have little to no idea what the poo is going on in her little, curly head.  but in ONE way, she is very much like me.  she doesn't sleep well.  or i should say, very long.


to those who are parents of children who fall asleep at 7pm and remain in that state until 8am, go screw yourselves.  you have hit the genetic jackpot and i don't want to hear anything about how it was all found in a parenting book requiring hours of infant-crying-to-sleep nights.  no amount of training will cause a child to sleep that long if it wasn't in their makeup.  my kids and i, and in some ways my husband, have a different sleep style.  right now, my daughter falls asleep pretty well, and only on occasion, wakes during the night for a good cry and then goes back to sleep.  she does wake up right about the same time my husband's alarm clock goes off (her room is a slight bit down the hall from our's, with both doors closed and her fan running).  this usually means she's up by 5:45ish. 

i have been staying up late, as of late.  ha ha.  truly.  it's not too strange to see my bedside lamp still on and me still reading at 12:30 or so.  so i didn't stress out monday night when i sat in the little lady's room as she was falling asleep, and knew i'd fall asleep for a bit too.  i woke up about 45 minutes later, to the sound of sweet husband walking in the door after a music rehearsal.  i was excited to talk to an actual grown up, so i started to get myself up off the floor.  my left leg was TOTALLY asleep.  leg, foot, the whole shabang.  there was a 2second pause when i thought, i should let it "wake up" a bit.  naw.  i wanna get out of here! 

i stood up, heard a gross Pop!/Snap! sound from my numb foot and then fell straight back on the floor.  i took out daughter's dolly umbrella stroller (i guess i weigh a bit more than a plastic doll) and then tried to crawl out of her room.  as soon as i made it to her doorway, the pain arrived.  i thought for sure i must have a bone sticking out of my skin because it felt like i had a burning hot dagger jabbing into my foot.  i made it to the couch somehow, and totally freaked out my husband by sobbing uncontrollably.  (thanks, sweetie, for trying to calmly assess my condition :) )

after a wait for my sister to arrive to guard the solidly sleeping kiddos, we trecked to the E.R. and had that date night we've been shooting for.  free child care, cable comedy shows, an attentive staff, and strong pain killers.

the Job part of this complaint-fest is that i am now, because of my impatience, bound to using crutches and hobbling around with a now disgustingly bruised and swollen foot.  if they had given me a crash helmet and pads, i would've felt better about using the crutches (i'm pretty graceless).  i am missing out on some beautiful walking - hiking weather that has FINALLY graced our landscape.  i am trapped in a land of inconvenience and irritation.  nothing deadly (thankfully). 

and i have to say, that i am, for the most part, thankful (even while irritated) that i have this happening right now.  my kids are pretty self-sufficient, i can order groceries (LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Cobornsdelivers.com), i can still drive (what freedom!), and i have a new appreciation for how difficult getting around must be for those who are resigned to this situation for longer than the 2 weeks or a bit more that i have stuck myself in.  and i know that it is completely MY FAULT.  humbling.  shameful.  irritating.  and thankful that i have the luxury to stay home and recover.  my life isn't dependent on me making it somehow to a job.  my home is safe for me to hang out in.  i can sit on the front step and keep an eye on my kids so they can still drink in the spring air, soaking in some good, cold puddle water along the way.  my land won't rumble, my air is safe to breathe, no bullets will fly, all i know are safe and are healthy - and if not healthy, under the care of good doctors with great integrity.


so today and every day, i offer my irritations/pain/annoyances up to God as a gift of thankfulness for being present here in this life.  there needs to be some repayment for all these blessings i enjoy.  and if this is it for now, i have received the best deal in the world. 

thankful for today! 

Grace in a land of Fear and Fury

I've been thinking a lot lately about what might be wrong with the way we, as citizens of the United States, see the world. I mean, there are plenty of examples of "what not to do" going on right now. Terry Jones' actions set off a new wave of anger and hatred toward Americans. The fear and subsequent bigotry toward those of the Muslim faith show in a million small and large ways, as in the calamity over the Islamic Community Center planned for Manhattan.

Reading yesterday's Pioneer Press Editorial section gave me a moment of pause. I read the submission by Mr. Tom Meek, "What I learned from the Dayton's bombing." Now this was a bombing in the department store Dayton's back in 1970. I wasn't born yet, and don't remember ever learning anything about this or any other types of "homeland terror" during my childhood. Especially here in Minnesota, known as the Nice state (we're just that passionate) it doesn't seem possible that a person could set off a bomb that would surely harm innocent people. I mean, good Minnesotan just don't DO that stuff. And not in a beloved Dayton's store, either. But I digress.

Reading the article brought forth something else to think about, other than, 'Yes, people in Minnesota CAN make that choice.' Mr. Meek's mother was right next to the detonated bomb, and was subsequently severely injured. She never fully recovered, and yet spent the rest of her life working to help the plight of those who set off the bomb. 'What?' Yes, she understood that the people who set off the bomb were doing so in retaliation to circumstances caused by greater forces than mere people. She saw the truth in the frustration and anger behind the creation and use of the bomb. And she knew that she had a choice in how to react to her own, newly altered place in that situation. She showed an amazing sense of grace, and the love of God for herself, her family and those who caused her life to change so drastically.

Places all over the world are dealing with groups of people who are frustrated and angry; generally over many lifetimes of not getting enough of their basic needs met to feel stable. These groups cause chaos and fear through bombs and attacks on innocent people. For many years, many decades really, our nation (and many more) have retaliated by focusing their counterattacks against those who are rising up. But I wonder if it wouldn't be more effective to focus a counterattack against those who are causing the frustration and anger in the first place? I mean, as a mother, I can see a child being naughty/making a poor choice, and I can focus my discipline against that inappropriate act. This may change the situation for a moment or more, but unless I figure out why the child is making this choice (that they surely know will get them into trouble) then I will be forced to repeat the battle again and again and again.

But if I realize that the child is hungry or tired or sick or bored, I can offer new opportunities for the child to meet those needs in a more appropriate manner.

I fully understand that adults who choose terroristic acts are far from those of a child. But are the influences behind terroristic groups that complex? It doesn't seem to be the case in those I've seen so far.

I pray that those who act out in fits of anger and frustration who spread terror and pain are somehow touched with the love of God (under whatever umbrella is available to them) and that their needs are met. And I pray for all those working toward ending those acts of terror, who rely on the direction of those in power far from the areas being attacked. I pray that more people can share in the grace that Mrs. Meek lived. That more people can see the humanity behind the terror; the struggles of all people to have food, shelter, safety, love and dignity.

There is never an acceptable act of terror. There is never an acceptable act that causes pain, harm and death. There is never an acceptable excuse for choosing to commit those acts, but there is always a place for understanding, empathy and sympathy for our fellow human beings, which we all, imperfectly are.

always the questioner

Here's the back story on what I'm thinking about...

I have always been intrigued by logic. In college, I loved my Logics class and the use of the "If, then" statements in arguments. i.e. If my paycheck arrives, then I can buy food. The whole concept of logic just helps me to make better sense of the crazy world I live in. At least sort of.

I was raised Catholic. I come from a LONG line of Catholics, such that it was considered "racy" to marry someone NOT Catholic. I have always considered myself to be a Christian, though I question many facets of Christianity and uphold, even celebrate, the value and integrity of those who are not Christians. I attend Lutheran church services fairly regularly. I share Bible stories with my children and talk about my faith in God, along with my own questions. I pray so often it could be considered an almost constant conversation.

So at my latest mother's group meeting (which is held at my church, thank you very much) a mom shared her testimony about how God has touched her life. To shorten it a bit, she shared how her family of origin failed to give her love, support and hope for her future. She shared how people outside of her family reached out to her and shared their faith in God, and gave her the chance to find her own faith in God through Christianity. Her testimony was beautiful. But she made a few comments that have put my mind to work on this logic these last few days.

She read a passage out of the book of Romans that spoke to how reading the Bible and living by the Bible made you a Christian (along with taking Jesus as Lord and all that). She said that if you didn't study the bible, and just lived by your own interpretation of God, then you were worshiping idols or false gods. Hmmm...


Now I haven't read any large sections of the Bible in years. I have read the entire Bible a few times, so it's not like it's foreign to me. But I have never studied it and find that thought a bit abhorrent. My parents fought over many, many things before they divorced, and religion and the Bible were a common favorite. And I think parts of Catholicism go against putting all your "eggs" in the basket of studying the Bible. (There are all those cool religious traditions and high holy days and confession and venial and mortal sins and limbo and penance...that might get lost in the varying translations of the big book.) So I think I have a bit of a grudge against the book. I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing. There have been plenty of "books" not published in all the bibles that were there in the beginning collections and each "version" paints a different picture of how life was and now should be. So who am I to say that the book I currently have on my bookshelf is everything God wants me to know about life?

So I question, Am I really a Christian?

I do believe that Jesus died on the cross for me and for all humans. But I know that, if I were born into a family of another religion, I would live by that religion instead. I believe that Buddha also had a divine connection to bring understanding and enlightenment to the people on Earth. I pray to God each day, but don't believe that those who are not Christians will not be allowed into whatever wonderful afterlife there might be. I believe that Muhammad was a divine prophet and his message connects everyone on Earth to the goodness and hope that faith in God brings. I also hold valuable the concept of reincarnation - the chance to come back to Earth many times and work towards a better life. And I believe that humans are fallible. That even those who seek to bring joy, hope and love to others through the messages of a religion should be questioned and never taken as a divine messenger.

So does my open heart and mind mean that I am not a Christian?

Can a Christian study or think about only the Bible passages that come up in church services or other discussions and not the whole book?

Can a Christian know in their heart that being a good and honest person; being one who works a lifetime of service toward others; being a person who shares ones gifts and talents; being a person who takes time each day to appreciate and protect the beauty that surrounds us in both nature and in other people, that these qualities are more important than reading and studying a book that has so many versions, and so many conflicts within its pages?

I walked away from Catholicism because of the falsehoods I found in the religion and the contrasting realities of life. I will always be a Catholic as a sort of birthright. I now practice Catholic-light, or Lutheran Christianity. Maybe I'm really just practicing, but even if I'm not really a Christian, I am a blessed child of God, in whatever form that it is.

And I know in my heart, that the woman who shared this path of thought was celebrating something good in her own life, and not condemning something in my own. But damn it, it sure felt like it.

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." ~Buddha

Ah, Buddha. He must have had a divine connection to God, Jehovah, Allah, the Creator, to share such wisdom. His words always give me peace. Not always direct answers, but peace none the less.

So Christian or not, I am always thankful for today. Thankful for the beauty that surrounds me. Thankful for my ability and opportunities to share love with others. Thankful that I have a strong connection with my Creator. And someday, to have a joyful connection to all the books written in God's name.